Finding Words
by MerryAnchor16
Summary: Quick oneshot in which Sanji wishes he could just find something to say that would make everything better again. Warnings: angst, sadness. A short writing taken from my Tumblr.


**This is a warm up drabble from my Tumblr 'mustangisinflames'.**

**Warnings: Angst and sadness.**

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Sanji tapped his feet anxiously, a new habit that had developed out of visiting here, and the soles of his shoes clapped against the tiled floor. He shifted in his seat so that one elbow was propped on his knee and the other arm was resting on the edge of the bed. He placed his chin in his hand and tilted his head, watching as he stretched his fingers to fondle the soft blue sheets. Just slightly out of reach was the other man's arm, taut with muscle and richly tanned.

He swallowed thickly, as much as he'd like to he couldn't ignore the man in the other bed any longer. He closed his eyes tightly before opening them and sighed, letting his gaze trail up the tan arm to the face of the man. Sanji watched as Roronoa Zoro slept soundly, his breaths deep and even but the blonde knew that it was only a pace set up by the tube through his neck and the machine the opposite side of the bed. If that machine wasn't there then... Sanji fisted the sheet tightly in his hand and bit the inside of his cheek painfully hard. No, no, he wouldn't think of that. He couldn't.

The breathing apparatus hissed again and Zoro's lungs filled with air that he couldn't take in on his own. Sanji wasn't lying to himself, he knew full well that his best friend wasn't able to breathe alone, it was just that he couldn't bring himself to think that the only thing keeping him alive was something connected to a plug socket in the wall with a switch that could so easily be flicked off. It terrified him more than he'd ever admit.

The blip of the heart monitor did nothing to ease him either. The sound of it made him uncomfortably conflicted; on one hand he was happy that it was reminding him the other man's heart was still working but on the other he was constantly afraid that each bleep could have been his last. Zoro was out of the danger zone in regards to the internal bleeding and his head injuries but the doctors couldn't tell Sanji for sure if he'd make it. Not even Trafalgar or Chopper could give him an answer and if two of the best doctors in the world were at a loss then there was naught else to do but wait.

Vaguely, Sanji wondered if Zoro knew he was there in the room next to his bed. The swordsman had always had this weird way of knowing when the blonde had entered or left a room, even if Sanji had made no noise. He pulled his eyes away from the haunting image of Zoro's bandaged head and cable tangled body to look back down at the hand he'd originally been staring at. He covered it with his own and gave it a gentle squeeze, willing silently for the idiot to get off that goddamn stupid bed and out of his 'sleep'. Sanji had never liked the word coma. It sounded daunting, unsure and clinical. So he'd simply named Zoro's state as 'sleeping' because people woke up from sleep, they didn't lie there till they died like people in comas could and besides, he knew Zoro would wake up. Zoro was strong.

As he held his friend's hand in his own, Sanji felt he should say something- anything. Chopper said that though talking may seem a ridiculous idea, coma patients had been known to hear and remember conversations or words from visiting family and friends but no matter how hard he tried, Sanji just couldn't seem to find the words to say. Right now, his mind was a blank slate and gave his mouth no offer of what words were appropriate. It felt awkward, trying to talk to someone who didn't respond. It wasn't right. He wanted Zoro's laugh, his smug grin whenever he wound Sanji up or taunted him for chasing girls. He wanted Zoro to make snarky comments and snide comebacks just like he used to.

Sanji wanted everything to be back to the way it used to be.

Maybe it was a little selfish of him but he couldn't help but think Zoro wasn't being fair. How could he leave his best friend like this? Sanji had been a wreck since day one of the Marimo's accident and if anything he'd gotten worse. His eyes were heavy and framed by dark bags that would put Trafalgar's to shame and his concentration seemed to flit around erratically like an injured bird. He could barely focus on the simplist of things; he'd found himself too many a time heading to his room in the apartment he shared with Zoro with the full intent of doing something only to stop in his tracks when the reason he was moving seemed to vanish from his mind. His cooking had suffered and so had his fingers, his hands getting so jittery at times that when he was slicing up vegetables he ended up cutting into himself. Zeff had forced him into a sick leave so he could 'Get his shit together' as his father so kindly put it before kicking him out.

If anything, being out of work had only made it worse. The blonde rarely emerged from the apartment. He had his shopping delivered to his door, declined any and all invitations to go out and took time in answering missed calls and texts though the only productive thing he was doing was breathing. Maybe it was because of the doubt. That niggling, horrible feeling of dread that prowled the dark recesses of his mind during the day and had him waking up in cold sweats at night. Because somewhere, deep deep inside of him, Sanji believed Zoro would not wake up at all and that all he'd have left of his friend was the memories.

Recollections of the past couldn't answer Sanji with sharp wit, or snore loudly on the sofa, fight him when he was angry or calm him when he was upset. They couldn't make a solid version of a man the blonde used to joke with, smile with, or make a special breakfast for when he was hung over. They couldn't fill the empty void or the chilling quiet that followed Sanji around the apartment like some unwanted spirit. They would never satisfy his need and want for his best friend back.

Memories can't replace Zoro.

Looking up at the clock on the wall, Sanji began to gather himself up onto his feet and ruefully took his hand away from Zoro's limp and warm one. He pulled his coat over his shoulders and left in the same silence he'd entered with, looking back at the other once for a long moment before shaking his head to himself and shutting the door.

Sanji still had no idea what to say.


End file.
